Indian Late Discovery Adoptee

My heart is heavy today. Here are some thoughts: Everyone affected by adoption is holding trauma. And anger. How you process the damage that was done to you is entirely your business. What you did to survive what you lived through should not be judged by others. How I survived is simply that. It's how I survived. Not all of us handle trauma/grief the same way. At the same time, it has taken me a while to understand that how I heal also affects those around me. There's that quote, "If you never heal from what hurt you, you’ll bleed on people who didn’t cut you." And I'm just trying to heal from what I survived through. I for one am angry about my experience. About my adoption experience. About my late discovery experience. It was, and is, filled with pain. I will do what I need to do to survive. And to heal. Within reason. Because I don't want to bleed on anyone else along the way. How I choose to deal with those who "cut me" is 100% up to me. I will ...

𝙢𝙤𝙣𝙖𝙘𝙝𝙤𝙥𝙨𝙞𝙨 𝘯. 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘴𝘶𝘣𝘵𝘭𝘦 𝘣𝘶𝘵 𝘱𝘦𝘳𝘴𝘪𝘴𝘵𝘦𝘯𝘵 𝘧𝘦𝘦𝘭𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘰𝘧 𝘣𝘦𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘰𝘶𝘵 𝘰𝘧 𝘱𝘭𝘢𝘤𝘦, 𝘢𝘴 𝘮𝘢𝘭𝘢𝘥𝘢𝘱𝘵𝘦𝘥 𝘵𝘰 𝘺𝘰𝘶𝘳 𝘴𝘶𝘳𝘳𝘰𝘶𝘯𝘥𝘪𝘯𝘨𝘴 𝘢𝘴 𝘢 𝘴𝘦𝘢𝘭 𝘰𝘯 𝘢 𝘣𝘦𝘢𝘤𝘩—𝘭𝘶𝘮𝘣𝘦𝘳𝘪𝘯𝘨, 𝘤𝘭𝘶𝘮𝘴𝘺, 𝘦𝘢𝘴𝘪𝘭𝘺 𝘥𝘪𝘴𝘵𝘳𝘢𝘤𝘵𝘦𝘥, 𝘩𝘶𝘥𝘥𝘭𝘦𝘥 𝘪𝘯 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘤𝘰𝘮𝘱𝘢𝘯𝘺 𝘰𝘧 𝘰𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘳 𝘮𝘪𝘴𝘧𝘪𝘵𝘴, 𝘶𝘯𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 𝘵𝘰 𝘳𝘦𝘤𝘰𝘨𝘯𝘪𝘻𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘢𝘮𝘣𝘪𝘦𝘯𝘵 𝘳𝘰𝘢𝘳 𝘰𝘧 𝘺𝘰𝘶𝘳 𝘪𝘯𝘵𝘦𝘯𝘥𝘦𝘥 𝘩𝘢𝘣𝘪𝘵𝘢𝘵, 𝘪𝘯 𝘸𝘩𝘪𝘤𝘩 𝘺𝘰𝘶’𝘥 𝘣𝘦 𝘧𝘭𝘶𝘪𝘥𝘭𝘺, 𝘣𝘳𝘪𝘭𝘭𝘪𝘢𝘯𝘵𝘭𝘺, 𝘦𝘧𝘧𝘰𝘳𝘵𝘭𝘦𝘴𝘴𝘭𝘺 𝘢𝘵 𝘩𝘰𝘮𝘦. Source: Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows Two years ago on this day, June 8th, I received the results of a DNA test that would confirm a doubt I always had, just never fully confronted. As I've written before, on that day, two of my families died. The one that raised me turned out to be a sham, and the one that did not remains an enigma. A few days ago, I came across this word, monachopsis. It is ...

This year has been a difficult Mother's Day. This year I was able to obtain my Indian adoption paperwork from the Texas court. The ones that my adoptive parents never kept. This is the year I learn more about who the woman who gave birth to me than I've ever known. Within the paperwork was an Affidavit from the Indian government that stated I was abandoned. This is what it said: There is a male minor child 'Anoop' (corrected with pen to Anup) born on [date of birth] to an unmarried girl and hence he was abandoned by his mother, who gave a necessary written declaration to the Institution and, therefore, the Institution has automatically become the legal guardian of the said male minor child Anoop (corrected with pen to Anup) and has a right to give the said child Anoop in adoption. My entire life determined by my mother's marital status. My mind constantly focuses on her description. An "unmarried girl." A "girl." How old she was that it states sh...

I am not for adoption. I am not against adoption. I am anti-bullshit. I was on Twitter the other day, and I came across a concept that blew my mind. I never thought it could actually be a thing. Ever since I learned about my adoption, the one thing I've always abhorred about it is the fact that I lost everything regarding my first identity. And I lost it all legally. I lost my name, ancestry, heritage, history, and culture. I lost everything I already had when I entered this world. And it was replaced with that of the adopters. So much so in my case, that my adopters never even told me who I really was, or where I came from. This concept of adoption, where individuals lose their first identity is actually called plenary adoption. It erases everything, and it is legal. Adopters not only get parental rights over the adoptee, but also get to pass their identities onto them. In other words, plenary adoption terminates the relationship between birth parent and child. And sadly, many ado...

This pandemic has taken a heavy toll. It hurts. Having just received my adoption paperwork and finally knowing which institution I was adopted from in India, it feels like I'm step closer to finding some roots. However, it hurts knowing that people are dying in India because of Covid. And that the Indian government is failing it's people. My people. Last week I read a post on Reddit about someone losing their uncle in India. They expressed anger towards the handling of this virus in India. And it angered me the more I thought about it and how it affects me. I tweeted the following: Just thinking via tweet. My biological kin are in India. I don't know who they are. Cuz, adoption. Just read about someone losing an uncle from covid in India. Even if it wasn't for covid, fuck if I know how many of my kin are already dead. #fuckadoption — Kris-404:RootsNotFound (@adoptedindian) April 17, 2021 Today I came across the following: Devastating images of patients dying for lack...

On Monday, April 19th, 2021, I filed a motion to order and petition the Texas court to unseal my adoption paperwork. This is something I had been working on, but I just never knew the best way to go about it. Biggest concern being that it might be rejected. I filed it electronically on their website, and after multiple calls with the county clerk for assistance and clarification, I was able to submit my order and petition. Once that was done, I prepared myself for the worse, and potentially a long wait. Yesterday, April 20th, 2021, at 12:09 pm, my phone rings. I recognize the number coming in from Texas. To my suprise, it was the county clerk, and he let me know that the Judge signed the order to unseal it. Holy shit! First off, it was less than 24 hours. Second, I got it! I asked him what was next. How do I get the paperwork, and can it be emailed? He transferred me to their records department to figure out the details, and if I had to pay any fees. I spoke with a lady in the records ...

They did the best they could . This is a statement that people usually tell me after sharing a bit of my story. For the most part, it is with best intentions. But I have issues with that statement, and it makes me rage internally everytime I hear it. That statement sounds like an excuse for their behavior. Their choices, and their decisions. Also, how is it that the best anybody can do has to include lying, deception, and abuse? "One doesn't have to operate with great malice to do great harm. The absence of empathy and understanding are sufficient." - Charles M. Blow, journalist I don't believe my adopters had any malicious intentions at first when they decided not to tell me I was adopted. I've mentioned before that they were initially denied adoption for telling social workers that they wouldn't tell us we were adopted. That decision itself shows me that they did what they wanted to do. even after being told and taught what was best. The fact is, they did th...