They did the best they could

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They did the best they could.
This is a statement that people usually tell me after sharing a bit of my story. For the most part, it is with best intentions.

But I have issues with that statement, and it makes me rage internally everytime I hear it.
That statement sounds like an excuse for their behavior. Their choices, and their decisions.
Also, how is it that the best anybody can do has to include lying, deception, and abuse?

"One doesn't have to operate with great malice to do great harm. The absence of empathy and understanding are sufficient."
- Charles M. Blow, journalist

I don't believe my adopters had any malicious intentions at first when they decided not to tell me I was adopted.
I've mentioned before that they were initially denied adoption for telling social workers that they wouldn't tell us we were adopted.
That decision itself shows me that they did what they wanted to do. even after being told and taught what was best.

The fact is, they did the best they wanted to.

As a child, I may not have known what was best for me, but as I grew older and was able to express myself better, why then did they not listen and do better?

Let's forget the past for a minute. And just go back to the moment I discovered I was adopted. After confronting them, they still did what they wanted, and tried to sweep things under the rug. They still tried to convince me we were related.
After I sat with them and expressed my feelings and that what they did was wrong, and how this decision of theirs in affecting me now, they still chose to do what they wanted.

They did not do the best they could. Because otherwise, they would have listened, acknowledge the trauma that was done, and make amends.


One of the things I noticed the other day is the many instances on social media where I see someone ask why adoption is trauma.
Asking why makes me feel like I need to prove that is traumatic. I'm the one who lived it. I would know what causes me pain.
I can explain my trauma to someone, I can't understand it for them.
One could empathize with me, but I don't think they could come close to understanding it without acknowledging it first. And then just sitting and listening.
So instead of asking why, ask how. How acknowledges the trauma and allows for a conversation.

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