Sometimes I just need to vent

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I am so frustrated. All I have in regards to my adoption is my Decree of Adoption. With that, I know where my adoption was finalized, and my name. A name that most likely came from the an orphanage or the hospital.

As and international Adoptee from India, I don't really know if I have an original birth certificate. I do know there's a Certificate of Abandonment and Relinquishment.

My, what fantastic and magnificent words to use for a person. I am certified abandoned. Certified relinquished.

At any rate, before trying to appeal to the courts in Texas for whatever paperwork they have, I decided to try immigration first.

The first time I did it, I used the USCIS website and via the Freedom of Information Act, I requested my "A" file. Otherwise known as Alien File. I already don't feel like I belong anywhere, and aside from being abandoned and relinquished by my country of origin, I'm also an alien to the country I was adopted into.

When I finally got a reply, they claimed they didn't have anything. Not only was that concerning, it was hugely disappointing.

This year I was able to speak with the lawyer that runs Adoptee Rights Law, and he said he'd be able to assist with this predicament. From his legal experience, he let me know that the US Citizenship and Immigration Services usually responds on the first attempt that they don't have anything. He then let me know that he could file the request for me, and possibly push them to search with more effort.

So once again, with his help, we put in the paperwork. This time we also requested information pertaining to how I was able to obtain a passport. They responded again that they had nothing in regards to the "A" file within a couple days. We knew this would happen, and so he pushed them again to search.

Three days ago, almost a month after, he emailed and said he struck out again. He wasn't jumping to any conclusions yet, and let me know we still have the request for how I was able to get a passport. But my mind was just going all over the place.

It is both frustrating, and concerning. As an adoptee that was brought to this country via immigration, how is it possible that they can't find anything?!

If they really don't have anything, who knows what path that is going to lead me down.

Ultimately, all I want is to know where I come from. Who was I before adoption took me away and lied to me. Why is this so hard?

Logically I know, and understand that I do belong somewhere and to someone. But emotionally, because I'm not able to see this with my own two eyes, it's like I don't exist. Even if it's just a piece of paper with my information on it. Which if nothing else, if it just leaves me to a photograph of what my biological mother and father look like. Is that too much to ask for?!

I just want some truth after living for 34 years in a lie. 

Our next step is to petition the Texas court. And this is the one that worries me most as it is completely up to the Judge to release my paperwork.

I'm angry. I am angry that the adopters couldn't even be bothered to give me my paperwork. They lied to my face and claimed they don't remember where it is.

All this shit because they lied.

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