Let us not compare

-

I recently came across a Facebook post in one of the adoptee support groups I'm that read "I'm reminded that I'm Adopted everyday that ends in Y".

I can't remember the exact comment below, but someone had commented saying why is that so bad, and that they felt there was honor in adoption.

There seems to be a lot of this going on in a few of these supports groups that I am in. Someone shares something bad or negative, and an adoptee with a good experience counters and makes a generalized statement telling everyone that adoption is a good thing because it was good for them.

When I write my story, my experience, and my thoughts, I do my best to only write mine. I'm the expert in my story. And that's it. I'm doing my best to learn everyday to have better insight, and perspective. 

I commented on the post as well, and here is what I did write:

I acknowledge that not everyone has had a bad experience.

But to use that to tell me that adoption is a good thing, well, it's not that simple.

If adoption is so amazing, then, as a late discovery Adoptee, why wasn't I told I was adopted?

Why is it that I have to fight for my rights to know where I come from?

Why can't I have my adoption paperwork to look for my roots?

How do I know that a life with my biological family would have been terrible?

I think it's terrible that as an international Adoptee, my mother probably thought I would have had a better life (for the record, it's a different life, not better). And while she probably has thought about me constantly, I was raised to believe that she never existed.

I was raised believing that the white woman, and brown man who adopted me were my actual biological kin.

There is no honor here.

I am not grateful to have been lied, deceived, and manipulated. I am not grateful that even after learning the truth, my adopters still lied, and tried to just sweep it under the rug.

If you've had a great experience, I am happy for you. Honestly, I am. You have a right to share your experience. Share your story. Let it be the example of what should or could be done. But please don't use your experience to tell me how to handle mine.

And that's really it for me. That last line there. I don't share my experience to tell someone how to handle theirs. I simply do it to let others know how I handled it. And if whoever is reading finds something useful, then take it.

Groups are a great place for support. I have found a lot of help for myself from many of them. Even if all I do is lurk. Someone, regardless of whether or not they had a good or bad experience, will have a unique perspective that I may have not seen. It helps me process my own thoughts.

And if it's a post I don't relate to at all, or have zero input that would be beneficial, I just keep scrolling.

Popular posts from this blog

Not Applicable

-
Image
I've been away from social media for a while now. Even blogging. Last year I took a break from a lot of it. And as 2023 slowly rolled in, I still took my time. There was just too much going on. Trying to be present and in the moment while still balancing all the emotions. In 2021, I was working with a lawyer on getting any paperwork via FOIA request from US Custom and Border Protection, and the Department of State. USCIS turned up empty. On May 4th of this year, after nearly 3 years of when I initially started all this, DOS responded and they had nothing on file for me, aside from one passport application from 2002. I suddenly found myself in a position where my citizenship status in this country was unknown. I wondered if my adoption was done correctly. And I was even advised not to vote. Anxiety. Stress. Worry. Would I be deported? Could I be? What about my job? So many unknowns. And anger. All this because what? Two people adopted me and then lied. And proceeded to lie still, an
Read more

Performance Review

-
 I read this today on Reddit. "It's your parent's job to raise you. Your adult relationship with them is their performance review." * Father's day is coming up (this Sunday). I've been thinking a lot about it. Not just from the context of being a father, but also as a person who doesn't know their father. I was raised by strangers. By people who made the conscious decision to lie to the children in their care. By definition, they were people who parented. As a late discovery adoptee, it's difficult to see them as parents. The lying and deception make it feel that way. Whatever the case, my adopters raised me. And while that technically makes them parents, they had a job to do, and they did not do it well. My adoptive father never wanted children for starters. The day he told us this, is a memory that lives clearly in my mind. It was about 14 years ago. I was 23. Sitting at the dinner table in a Texas apartment that we once lived in. Just knowing that e
Read more

To Tell or Not To Tell

-
 Every now and then I get asked the question. “Hey Kris, I know someone that’s adopted, but they don’t know it. Should I tell them?” This is a question that I have given a lot of thought to over the last few years. And what I’ve realized is that it’s not a matter of IF you should tell them, it’s WHEN and HOW. I firmly believe that everyone deserves to know their truth. It is, without a doubt, abusive when a “parent” lies to their ward leading them to believe that they are their biological parents. So what then? Honestly, you really just have two choices. You either don’t tell them and let things run their course, or you do tell them. Just know that sooner or later, somehow or the other, they will find out. There is no good way to go about it. Whether or not you tell them the truth, there is absolutely no way in which this experience won’t be traumatic. This is an upending, identity-shattering mindfuck. When I think about my experience as an LDA, it infuriates me at times to think about
Read more