To Tell or Not To Tell
Every now and then I get asked the question.
“Hey Kris, I know someone that’s adopted, but they don’t know it. Should I tell them?”
This is a question that I have given a lot of thought to over the last few years.
And what I’ve realized is that it’s not a matter of IF you should tell them, it’s WHEN and HOW.
I firmly believe that everyone deserves to know their truth. It is, without a doubt, abusive when a “parent” lies to their ward leading them to believe that they are their biological parents.
So what then? Honestly, you really just have two choices. You either don’t tell them and let things run their course, or you do tell them. Just know that sooner or later, somehow or the other, they will find out.
There is no good way to go about it. Whether or not you tell them the truth, there is absolutely no way in which this experience won’t be traumatic. This is an upending, identity-shattering mindfuck.
When I think about my experience as an LDA, it infuriates me at times to think about all the people that knew I was adopted and never said anything. So many people knew more about my story than I did.
Yet, I also understand the difficult position they are in. Because what were they going to say? When could they have said it? How would they have gone about it?
How many of them kept silent to protect me because they knew that telling me the truth would only cause more trauma and abuse from my adopters?
I’ve made peace with the fact that nobody said anything while I still lived with and relied on my adopters. Especially if they feared the repercussions. But they all could have said something once I reached adulthood. Once I became self-sufficient.
I’m sure many of them felt it was entirely the responsibility of my adopters to speak up. But who’s responsible for holding them accountable for that?
If you choose not to say anything for the moment, there might come a day that the truth becomes known before you get a chance to say anything. When that happens, you need to be honest and supportive. Answer any and all questions. And just know that they might be angry that you knew and they didn’t. Will your delayed honesty lessen the pain? I can’t answer that. For me personally, with my experience, it wouldn’t have.
If you are an adoptee, you already know what it’s like to be adopted. You already have answers to questions I’ve wondered about my whole life. You have all the more reasons to know just how important the truth is, and can possibly help guide them “out of the fog”.
If you are not an adoptee, definitely help them find an adoptee community that can help them. What this person is experiencing is called Misattributed parentage.
From Right to Know:
“Misattributed parentage is a term used by professionals for decades, is inclusive of everyone who has a DNA surprise, and is a more accurate description of our experiences. A Misattributed Parentage Experience (MPE) is the discovery of a change in a person’s perceived genealogy from a:
Non-Paternity Event (NPE): extramarital affair, tryst, or other sexual encounter and rape or assault;
Assisted Reproduction: Gamete Provider (Sperm and/or Egg), Embryo Donation, or Surrogacy;
Adoption: New Born Placement, Hidden, Orphan, Foster Care, Late Discovery Adoptees (LDA), or Stepchild; or any other event which resulted in a change in, or understanding of, your genealogy.”
All NPEs/MPEs, no matter how they got to be that way deserve to know the truth about themselves.
I myself am a Late Discovery Adoptee. And while being an LDA falls under the MPE umbrella, at times I feel it deserves its own category.
The way I see it, all LDAs are NPEs/MPEs, but not all NPEs/MPEs are LDAs.
An LDA is not related to any of the people raising them.
But an NPE/MPE could possibly be related to one or both. Both in the event of being raised by grandparents. Related to just one in the event of being a DCP (donor-conceived person), or when being raised by a step-parent but told that’s their biological. There are many other scenarios.
My experience as that of an LDA defers because of this. In spite of the trauma, there’s an “easy” part.
I feel like the “easy” part of being an LDA is knowing that two strangers lied to me. It’s “easier” for me to be angry at both of them for their lies, deception and betrayal because I have no ties to them whatsoever.
I think it’s certainly different and adds to the complexity of the situation where the NPE/MPE is related to one or both of the people raising them.
Having to deal with the fact that their own biological parent has lied to them is an entirely different level of betrayal to process.
If you choose to tell them, there are a few things I think you need to consider. Like, first of all, how old are they? Are they a minor or not?
Are they in a good place? I say this in the sense that, are they in a good spot in life on Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. If their base is solid (food, shelter, clothing, etc), then that might make it easier.
I’m glad I myself was self-sufficient when I found out. I was already making a life for myself. I wasn’t relying on my adopters anymore. In some ways, it made it easier to set up boundaries for me while I sat and processed it.
It doesn’t matter how you go about it, or what their relationship is like with their parents, you are going to be the bearer of bad news.
And that’s the thing, right? The fact is we know that this information will be devastating. That itself should be proof alone that it’s wrong. That it’s unethical to keep this level of information away from a person. We all deserve to know who we are and where we come from.
I posed this question in the LDA group I’m a part of on Facebook. And while the majority said to speak up, most did not want to be put in that situation.
Nobody really had a good answer for how to go about telling someone. You either rip the bandaid and be direct, or you try to bring it up in conversation somehow.
Some said they would speak to the parents and share their experience about being an LDA and how important it is for this information to come from them (the parents). Always better than finding this out yourself somehow or from another person.
As Heather put it in her comment where “Person A” is the person that knows the “secret” and “Person B” is the NPE/MPE that doesn’t know:
“The vehicle for learning this information is important. In the case of knowing information about someone else, if Person A isn’t in a position or doesn’t have that kind of relationship to tell Person B themself, then I think it is the duty of Person A to confront the people (the Adoptive Parents or APs) who have gatekept the info from Person B and demand they tell Person B their truth. If they don’t or won't for any reason, then I believe it’s the role of Person A to tell Person B. Because now you can say, “I didn’t want you to hear this from me. I know this isn’t my place. I asked APs to tell you, but it is necessary for you to know…”. This way it doesn’t come off as gossipy, but as you advocating for them to know their information. And you have to do this knowing that you may never have a relationship again with Person B after you do this.”
Another LDA, Nina Gabriele Zedler-Harkey, had this to say:
“Most often everyone knew. Not one of those people ever considered telling me. Because they wanted to shield me? Not hardly. It's always:
I was not allowed to. Says who? You are an adult, you can do as you please, and hopefully, do what's right.
It was not my place. Then who's place was it. all these people have a PhD in "pass the buck"
What they don't say is what it really is:
- I wanted to preserve relationships and would have lost some, or at least caused -myself- trouble if I did. (Me over You).
- I am not willing to sacrifice anything for anyone else. It's the right thing to do, but I was afraid something bad would happen to -me- if I did. (Again Me over You)
Would I tell? Yes. Would it cost me some relationships? Perhaps, maybe some even probably. Would it be possible for a fight or rift to break out? Likely. Is there a cost to me? Absolutely. But it's not about me.
However, to begin with, I cannot perpetuate a lie as it was with us (LDAs).
Every person has the right to know who they are, and are not, no one has the right to keep their truth from them.
That said, timing, planning, delivery of news, that takes some thinking. Not telling isn't an option.
I am amazed that those who this was inflicted upon are ever so ready to inflict the same on others. The fastest way to destroy a relationship is by lying. It's virtually never that adoption fact that is earth-shattering. It's the lies. And all the people around you that also lied.
The only thing to consider is HOW to go about it, not IF to go about it.”
At the end of the day, if you can get their parents to be honest, great.
But if it’s been long enough that the NPE has reached adulthood, I highly doubt their APs ever plan to speak up. I think once a person reaches the age of 30 and they still don’t know, the chances of their parents being honest grow even slimmer.
And the longer the wait, the harder for them to get the truth as well. It reduces the time they have to find their biological family, to just simply find answers and know their truth.
The later the telling, the more the complications.
While I can tell you without a doubt that you need to be honest, what I can’t, unfortunately, tell you is how to go about it. Every situation is different. As I said earlier, it doesn’t matter what you say or how, this is an upending, identity-shattering mindfuck.
And the best thing you can do is be there. Provide support. Provide them with all the information out there that you know about them. Let them know they are not alone in this.
There are so many others out there like them that were not told the truth about their identity. And as much as I hate being in that club, the people and the community that are also in it are incredibly supportive and willing to listen to all my rants, complaints, etc.
And the best part, they all just totally understand me and just get it.
