Estrangement

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Definition of estranged:

having lost former closeness and affection: in a state of alienation from a previous close or familial relationship

Definition of estrangement:

a feeling that you do not understand someone or something, or do not have any connection with him, her, or it

It has been 2 years since I've spoken to my adopters.
I've been thinking a lot about estrangement during that time, and what it looks like to me.

By definition, estranged means to have lost former closeness and affection. Estrangement is a feeling that you don't understand someone or something, or do not have any connection with them, or it.

I feel like to be estranged is to have lost that bond on an emotional level. Estrangement encapsulates not just that loss of closeness, but the need/desire to alienate for the sake of oneself.

To me, I was estranged the moment I realized there was no connection. That the abuse I experienced as a child had an impact on me that I had no explanation for. I just, in my mind, knew that there was no bond. That while my "parents" claimed to have loved me unconditionally, the relationship and connection was always felt conditional.

I knew there was something wrong as a boy. I can't pinpoint an exact age, but as early as 6, I knew things were off. That I was different. In many ways, I was emotionally estranged since then.
But, I still tried to form a bond. That's just what we do as children. We do whatever it takes for our parents' attention. To be close.

As I got older and matured, the relationship felt like it was withering away. It was dead. And I never had or gave myself an opportunity to grieve that loss.

Estrangement didn't just happen overnight for me. It was all the abuse (physical, emotional, verbal, etc) over the course of many years that was the cause.

As I researched more about it in the last two years, I have found that while estrangement comes in many forms, there are two that people use to describe where they are in their estrangement.
1. Estrangement with Low Contact (LC), and
2. Estrangement with No Contact (NC).

These two greatly helped process my estrangement when I look back on my life. It wasn't till my early twenties that I moved out to be on my own. I finally had the means to do so, and I took the opportunity to add some space between me and my parents. From my point of view, I was already emotionally estranged from them and now I was choosing to add physical distance as a way to reduce contact with them.

Essentially, I was choosing Estrangement with Low Contact.

Back then, I had no idea that everything I was doing to protect myself had a name. Not just estrangement, but Family Estrangement.
I don't think I was ready to accept it for what it was. Talking about it was difficult because thinking about minimizing my contact with them made me feel somewhat ashamed.
This was my family. Nobody wants to be separated from their family. For as long as I could remember, I was taught the importance and value of family. Whether it be from a societal view, or a religious one. "Honor your father and mother".

Society itself feels like it's not open or accepting of family estrangements.

"But those are your parents! You need to forgive them!"

"They come from a different time! You need to be more understanding of them."

Just some of the phrases I remember hearing from others as I shared or opened up about various conflicts I had with my parents. Or even just the responses everyone else gets when they talk about estrangement from their parents. 

Today, I have come to accept that my form of Estrangement has moved from LC to NC. It's the boundary I have set for my peace of mind.

"Oftentimes estrangement is a healthy solution to an unhealthy relationship." [1]

The difficult part of estrangement now isn't so much that I've chosen it, but the complication that it's not exactly Family Estrangement.

The last few months, what has been bothering me the most is this: What I once thought of as being estranged from my mother and father has turned into being estranged from strangers.
Because they were never my mother and father. I processed my issues concerning estrangement based on this deception. This lie that we were a biologically related family.

And for the longest time, even in the dysfunction, I thought we were normal. A "normal" dysfunctional family that had problems like any other family that experienced estrangement in some shape or form.

But as it turns out, even our dysfunction was built on the same foundation of lies. The deceptive lie that we were a family.

Eventually, I'll figure it out. Find the way to process and the words to describe how I've processed it. Right now, I'm just letting this new messed up observation sit with me for a bit.

~Kris~


[1] https://www.goodhousekeeping.com/life/a25381020/estranged-defintion/


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