Memories

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What's it like to have childhood memories?
Memories that aren't blemished by lies and deception?
Memories that don't feel like a manipulation?


The holidays are really hard this year.

We all have memories. Good ones. Bad ones. The ones we cherish and the ones we wish we could forget.
Memories are brought up either by reminiscing the good times or triggered by an event.
Others brought about at random via sense. Sensory memories.
A smell, a taste, anything that hits the senses just right bringing back the past to the present.

What happens when all your past memories are stained? Blemished? Not just because of wrongdoing, or abuse, but because of a lie? Because of a deception that affects your identity? 

I was lied to about who and what I am. And for 34 years, I was raised to live a lie about my very being.
34 years of lies from the people that raised me. And not just them, but everyone else that knew the truth, but kept silent.
As much as I knew something was strange and didn't fit, the people around me kept the deception strong. Essentially I was gaslit for all that time.
Made to think I was the crazy one for not belonging. For not fitting in.

I was watching Inside Out the other day. A big part of the movie is having core memories. From https://insideout.fandom.com/wiki/Core_Memories:

"Core Memories are a special type of memory from the Disney/Pixar film Inside Out. These memories are created when a person experiences a certain event that defines one of their behavioral traits. When a core memory is created, it creates an Island of Personality, which is activated whenever the person does something related to that trait. Unlike regular memories, core memories are stored in a special container in the center of Headquarters from which they emit a beam of light to their respective island."

It got me thinking about what mine are. Or what they could be. While the main character, Riley, had her core memories built on joyful moments, I don't know how many of mine are/would be. From this point of view, my "Islands of Personality" from my childhood were mostly formed from shame, guilt and abuse.

None of that matters anymore though. Whether or not I have good or bad memories, they all have a blanket of deception around them.

Looking back at my past now, every memory feels... Inauthentic.
Every interaction with the people who raised me feels like manipulation in order for me to be who they needed me to be. Never allowed to be what or who I really was.
And so, every time I'm reminded of the past, all I can see is lies.

Memories, a place where we can escape and fondly look back on... All gone now.
No more childhood memories.

As we go into the holidays this year, I only hope I can do my damnedest to create happy, long-lasting and authentic memories for my children.
And replace all of my tainted ones along the way.
Because what worth is there in that which is covered in lies? 

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