The Visit
In May of 2019 I discovered that I was not at all related to the couple that raised me.
When I first took that DNA test, it was not my intention to uncover the lie that is my adoption. I just wanted to see where my DNA and heritage came from. I still remember the shock I initially had when I first opened up the results. Some days I feel like I'm still shocked by it.
Shortly thereafter, in September of 2019, the adoptive parents came to visit for two days. While they thought they would have a normal pleasant visit, my plan was to get answers and talk about the adoption. Whether or not they planned or wanted to talk about the adoption, I do not know. I'm sure at some point our a-mother would have brought it up, but I had to go about it on my terms.
When I think about it today, for 34 years, I did not know who I was. I had no control of my story. I know that the choices I made the day they came to visit were done for me to get back that control.
When our a-parents and younger sibling walked in the door, I made sure my wife and children were not here. It was just my older sister and I. As the adopted children, we wanted to know the truth.
I had us all sit at the dining table, and told them why the house was empty. I told them that the first thing we would do, was to talk about the adoption. Since the truth was out already, why not get right to it.
Prior to the visit, I had spent a lot of time getting my thoughts together. Trying to figure out what all I needed to say to them. And so, I prepared a speech with everything I wanted to say. As I read it out to them, I had to make changes based on the state of the room. I'm going to post this speech here as part of this story. Some of what I had planned to say was definitely harsh, and since I didn't want to have any hostility for fear of not getting the answers I wanted, I omitted them. I will however, leave those words here, but with a strike-through. I post this in hopes that others may find something useful in how I expressed myself. Maybe it will help someone else on their adoption journey.
Everything I have to say today, I am doing for myself. For my well being. I am not doing this to hurt any of you, as it will accomplish nothing. You are however entitled to your own feelings.
So as I was saying, the words I am about to share with you today will sound hurtful. That is not their intention. I only need you to understand how I feel. And these are the words I was able to put together. As it stands, I’ve had an extremely difficult time finding the words to describe how I’ve been feeling. I need you to understand my anger, frustrations, and disappointment, so that you can come to terms with the decisions I make from this point onwards with this adopted relationship.
The way I see it, things can go one of 2 ways today. Either you both are receptive, acknowledge how I feel about your choices, make changes, and accept my boundaries, OR, nothing changes, there’s still toxic behavior, and I have to choose to separate myself from it for the sake of my well being.
I want to first open the discussion to you all to share with me about the adoption. I want the entire story. I will be asking some hard hitting questions, as it is my right. And if something does not add up or make sense, I will call for clarification. I will be taking notes and typing everything down for my own benefit.
It was at this point that I opened the time for them to speak. And just tell us about our adoptions.
Our a-mother spoke first. And since she adopted my older sister first, she told us about her adoption first. I will, however, only share the details of what was said about my adoption.
I don't remember what time they came to the house. It was around 11:00 am. But what I do remember, and because I was taking notes, shortly after our a-mother was telling us about the first adoption, at 11:32 am, our a-father said "Fuck this shit." He basically said he didn't need to listen to any of this.
I honestly did not expect this of him. If anything, we (my older sister and I) thought that our a-mother would become defensive.
But I know that being who she is, she appeared receptive and told us everything we wanted to hear, as a means of staying in control. This is something she has done right from the start, and I think that's something that will never change.
Our a-father then walked out the door. My younger sister walked out with him to make sure he was okay.
A-mother then continued the story of adoptions.
Here is what she said about my adoption.
After adopting my older sister, a year later she went back to India. While in India, she stayed with our a-father's sister-in-law's family.
She went to the same place in Pune, Maharashtra, India. This time it was a different hospital, and different lawyer that was used.
She went to a small hospital on a highway. She remembers it being very small. She was sent there by the lawyer.
Once there, she was supposed to just visit the head nurse. The head nurse was to take down her information and get back to her.
But while they were talking, another nurse came in holding me. This nurse had a question or needed to talk to the head nurse. A-mother saw me, and said "That is my son", then declared that this baby was her son, and she would be taking him. They told her I was already accounted for and was going to a couple in Delhi.
But a-mother took me and wouldn't let go. She made "such a stink" that the head nurse gave in. They said they would contact the family in Delhi and tell them I was no longer available.
The hospital told our a-mother that I was born there. I was with my birth mother for 2 days. My birth mother was there for 3 days and then discharged from the hospital.
At this point, I read the rest of my speech. Our a-father had returned shortly after leaving and just sat in the front room. I told him I would like for him to sit back at the table while I read the rest of what I had prepared.
There is something fundamentally human about wanting to know where one comes from. To know who we are. Where our traits come from.
Knowing where we come from, is a critical part of our lives and how we form a healthy identity.
“In order to love all parts, it’s essential to know all parts.”
When I first got the results of my DNA test, I was speechless.
When I asked you both about it, and received a misleading response that the tests were wrong and that pop’s genes are stronger, it felt like a slap in the face.This was the first lie of many, and it was an insult to my intelligence.
When I think about it now, it would have been so much better if you responded that you needed some time before talking to me. Rather than trying to dismiss me entirely.
I'm disappointed in you both that I had to take another test just to get you both to acknowledge it. And I still did not get a concrete answer.
I want to describe how I’ve been feeling in the past 3 months.
“First, it feels as though my personal identity and ethnic identities have been shattered.
The impact of learning, as an adult, that I am not the person I believed I was for my entire life has been devastating. I don’t think there is a single word that can accurately describe what it’s like, but a few that come to mind are traumatic, agonizing, and surreal.”
I feel so betrayed and hurt. And I have no idea where or how to start looking for my biological family.
I feel deceived. Looking back, every word, every story, every conversation to me, and anyone else about me… it was all a lie.I feel that every deception was a lie you told yourselves just to feel as though we were truly your children. I can empathize with the pain that comes from not being able to have children, but it is no excuse to take someone else’s child and mislead them about where they come from, and who they are everyday. It feels as though I was a pawn to fulfill a void in your life because you could not have children.
I feel that your insecurities about us knowing that we are adopted outweighed your duty to let us know that we were adopted. It feels as if you put your sense of peace/happiness above ours.
What really drives this point in more is the fact that everyone in the family knows that I am adopted. Everyone but me. And you made sure that each person that knew the truth, kept it away from us.
I am grateful that you both loved and raised us the best you can. But at the same time it all feels as though you played me. It’s an emotional tug-of-war. I’ve always felt like I’ve been a good son. I’ve tried to stay loyal. In spite of all over trauma and turmoil you have caused me. So for this to surface now, it’s hard to love you as parents. I can love you and be grateful to you as the people who raised me. And that's it. The fact that you never wanted to tell us makes me angry.
(You destroyed all the paperwork. That’s something I don’t think I’ll ever forgive you for. Those documents were the only thing I have that would help me know who I am.)
You have destroyed our relationship.
“I liken my life to building a house, no matter how nice the house is, it may be a mansion with all the trimmings that money can buy, but if the foundations are flawed, then one day, it will end in a pile of rubble. This is how I see my life, I am searching through the rubble looking for the salvageable pieces and cementing them with the new to rebuild an identity. The scars are still evident as the pieces don’t fit together perfectly, the trust is gone and cannot be replaced, the word love is tainted as a selfish emotion.”
I have an insurmountable amount of anger in me. I am torn. And I am broken. I love you both, and hate you so much at the same time. Hate is a strong word, but my emotions are too.
I don’t think I’ll ever be able to trust you again. Or forgive you for this. Everything I’ve read has said that it’s best to tell children that they are adopted. I know you both were told the same. Moreover you are both educated. You have no excuse. And yet, you both ignored it. And now, like an explosion, the truth is out there. And instead of just letting everything out, you kept trying to contain it. And, well, now you get to deal with the fallout.
At this time, I need you to give me space. I need you to back away for a while as I let everything process. I need you to stop referring to me as your kid. Because that’s still a lie to me. It’s not all sunshine and rainbows from here on out. From now on, I make the rules on how this “relationship” goes.
I will be getting therapy in order to know how best to deal with this, and I highly suggest you do the same.
I want you to know that I still do want my children to have “grandparents”. But it has to be on my terms from here on. There will be rules that I want you to follow. You may not like them, but if you wish to rebuild this relationship, you’re going to have to.
There’s a saying, “Trust takes years to build, seconds to break, and forever to repair.” That being said, it will take some time before I can allow you both in my life openly.
I don’t need and explanation, or justification. Because no matter what you both say to justify your intentions, it will not take away the pain I’m feeling today. The only thing that might help begin healing, is change in behavior.
While reading out all of this, basically, our a-father reacted extremely poorly. All he cares about is gratitude. And that's just what he said, that he expects gratitude. And no matter how many times I told him I was grateful for him providing for us, he just stayed aggravated, angered, hurt. I even mentioned I was thankful that I got more honest answers from him than our a-mother in previous phone calls.
One of the things he said was that he didn't care about feelings and emotions. He just treats people as humans.
Our a-mother sat there and listened. She constantly said all the blame should be on her for not telling us. I'm sure it was the fear of not being able to see our kids that kept her composure.
She said she was willing to help find my biological parents, even though she couldn’t remember anything since it was 34 - 35 years ago. She would go back to India and find out as much as she could. However, she stands by her decision of not telling us, and wouldn't have it any other way.
A-father did not like "the approach" at all. He came in with the expectation of seeing the kids and have a happy reunion. So for the day to start how I planned it, he felt it was a personal attack on him.
At one point in the middle of my speech, he said in his view this relationship is over; that he didn’t have to “deal with this shit”. A-mother had to diffuse and tell him that it’s not about him, and to not let his head say anything his heart would later regret.
In the moment, it took a lot of restraint for me to just say, "Well, you know where the door is."
The whole thing lasted about two and a half hours. And right as a-father began to open up and share his side of the story, a-mother said her chest was hurting and that she needed to leave right there and then and go lie down. I feel she did this only to stop him from saying anything else that would have contradicted her story. Or just to stop him from just telling us something that she doesn't want us to hear.
To this day, I believe I did what I had to do. Just get it all out respectfully. The thing is, the truth was already out. We knew about the adoptions. Why not then just let everything out? Why still hold back? If you're afraid of the outcome, and you know that it would not go in your favor, then maybe, just maybe, did you stop to think that you didn't make the right choice?
I know that when I gave them 2 choices (listen and be receptive, or still show toxic behaviors that I won't tolerate anymore), I’m pretty sure that tickled a-father the wrong way. But the thing is, that was mainly directed towards a-mother. All the “rules” I needed to put in place were all really meant for her. And I told him this. But he just does not process emotions. I don’t think he “gets it” when I said my identity is broken. My psyche is messed up. To him, it did not matter.
I know he said that he wanted to tell us. And he was going to. But a-mother threatened to divorce him if he ever said anything to us. In his mind, he wanted to tell us as we got older. But when? There I was, 34, happily married, living my own life and raising a family. What the hell was he waiting for?
And the aggravating part is, he's told all of his friends we were adopted.
In fact, they told us that their families all knew. Their parents knew, and their siblings. I’m certain selective close friends knew as well.
When I first took that DNA test, it was not my intention to uncover the lie that is my adoption. I just wanted to see where my DNA and heritage came from. I still remember the shock I initially had when I first opened up the results. Some days I feel like I'm still shocked by it.
Shortly thereafter, in September of 2019, the adoptive parents came to visit for two days. While they thought they would have a normal pleasant visit, my plan was to get answers and talk about the adoption. Whether or not they planned or wanted to talk about the adoption, I do not know. I'm sure at some point our a-mother would have brought it up, but I had to go about it on my terms.
When I think about it today, for 34 years, I did not know who I was. I had no control of my story. I know that the choices I made the day they came to visit were done for me to get back that control.
When our a-parents and younger sibling walked in the door, I made sure my wife and children were not here. It was just my older sister and I. As the adopted children, we wanted to know the truth.
I had us all sit at the dining table, and told them why the house was empty. I told them that the first thing we would do, was to talk about the adoption. Since the truth was out already, why not get right to it.
Prior to the visit, I had spent a lot of time getting my thoughts together. Trying to figure out what all I needed to say to them. And so, I prepared a speech with everything I wanted to say. As I read it out to them, I had to make changes based on the state of the room. I'm going to post this speech here as part of this story. Some of what I had planned to say was definitely harsh, and since I didn't want to have any hostility for fear of not getting the answers I wanted, I omitted them. I will however, leave those words here, but with a strike-through. I post this in hopes that others may find something useful in how I expressed myself. Maybe it will help someone else on their adoption journey.
Everything I have to say today, I am doing for myself. For my well being. I am not doing this to hurt any of you, as it will accomplish nothing. You are however entitled to your own feelings.
So as I was saying, the words I am about to share with you today will sound hurtful. That is not their intention. I only need you to understand how I feel
The way I see it, things can go one of 2 ways today. Either you both are receptive, acknowledge how I feel about your choices, make changes, and accept my boundaries, OR, nothing changes, there’s still toxic behavior, and I have to choose to separate myself from it for the sake of my well being.
I want to first open the discussion to you all to share with me about the adoption. I want the entire story. I will be asking some hard hitting questions, as it is my right. And if something does not add up or make sense, I will call for clarification. I will be taking notes and typing everything down for my own benefit.
It was at this point that I opened the time for them to speak. And just tell us about our adoptions.
Our a-mother spoke first. And since she adopted my older sister first, she told us about her adoption first. I will, however, only share the details of what was said about my adoption.
I don't remember what time they came to the house. It was around 11:00 am. But what I do remember, and because I was taking notes, shortly after our a-mother was telling us about the first adoption, at 11:32 am, our a-father said "Fuck this shit." He basically said he didn't need to listen to any of this.
I honestly did not expect this of him. If anything, we (my older sister and I) thought that our a-mother would become defensive.
But I know that being who she is, she appeared receptive and told us everything we wanted to hear, as a means of staying in control. This is something she has done right from the start, and I think that's something that will never change.
Our a-father then walked out the door. My younger sister walked out with him to make sure he was okay.
A-mother then continued the story of adoptions.
Here is what she said about my adoption.
After adopting my older sister, a year later she went back to India. While in India, she stayed with our a-father's sister-in-law's family.
She went to the same place in Pune, Maharashtra, India. This time it was a different hospital, and different lawyer that was used.
She went to a small hospital on a highway. She remembers it being very small. She was sent there by the lawyer.
Once there, she was supposed to just visit the head nurse. The head nurse was to take down her information and get back to her.
But while they were talking, another nurse came in holding me. This nurse had a question or needed to talk to the head nurse. A-mother saw me, and said "That is my son", then declared that this baby was her son, and she would be taking him. They told her I was already accounted for and was going to a couple in Delhi.
But a-mother took me and wouldn't let go. She made "such a stink" that the head nurse gave in. They said they would contact the family in Delhi and tell them I was no longer available.
The hospital told our a-mother that I was born there. I was with my birth mother for 2 days. My birth mother was there for 3 days and then discharged from the hospital.
At this point, I read the rest of my speech. Our a-father had returned shortly after leaving and just sat in the front room. I told him I would like for him to sit back at the table while I read the rest of what I had prepared.
There is something fundamentally human about wanting to know where one comes from. To know who we are. Where our traits come from.
Knowing where we come from, is a critical part of our lives and how we form a healthy identity.
“In order to love all parts, it’s essential to know all parts.”
When I first got the results of my DNA test, I was speechless.
When I asked you both about it, and received a misleading response that the tests were wrong and that pop’s genes are stronger, it felt like a slap in the face.
When I think about it now, it would have been so much better if you responded that you needed some time before talking to me. Rather than trying to dismiss me entirely.
I'm disappointed in you both that I had to take another test just to get you both to acknowledge it. And I still did not get a concrete answer.
I want to describe how I’ve been feeling in the past 3 months.
“First, it feels as though my personal identity and ethnic identities have been shattered.
The impact of learning, as an adult, that I am not the person I believed I was for my entire life has been devastating. I don’t think there is a single word that can accurately describe what it’s like, but a few that come to mind are traumatic, agonizing, and surreal.”
I feel so betrayed and hurt. And I have no idea where or how to start looking for my biological family.
I feel deceived. Looking back, every word, every story, every conversation to me, and anyone else about me… it was all a lie.I feel that every deception was a lie you told yourselves just to feel as though we were truly your children. I can empathize with the pain that comes from not being able to have children, but it is no excuse to take someone else’s child and mislead them about where they come from, and who they are everyday. It feels as though I was a pawn to fulfill a void in your life because you could not have children.
I feel that your insecurities about us knowing that we are adopted outweighed your duty to let us know that we were adopted. It feels as if you put your sense of peace/happiness above ours.
What really drives this point in more is the fact that everyone in the family knows that I am adopted. Everyone but me. And you made sure that each person that knew the truth, kept it away from us.
I am grateful that you both loved and raised us the best you can. But at the same time it all feels as though you played me. It’s an emotional tug-of-war. I’ve always felt like I’ve been a good son. I’ve tried to stay loyal. In spite of all over trauma and turmoil you have caused me. So for this to surface now, it’s hard to love you as parents. I can love you and be grateful to you as the people who raised me. And that's it. The fact that you never wanted to tell us makes me angry.
“I liken my life to building a house, no matter how nice the house is, it may be a mansion with all the trimmings that money can buy, but if the foundations are flawed, then one day, it will end in a pile of rubble. This is how I see my life, I am searching through the rubble looking for the salvageable pieces and cementing them with the new to rebuild an identity. The scars are still evident as the pieces don’t fit together perfectly, the trust is gone and cannot be replaced, the word love is tainted as a selfish emotion.”
I have an insurmountable amount of anger in me. I am torn. And I am broken. I love you both, and hate you so much at the same time. Hate is a strong word, but my emotions are too.
I don’t think I’ll ever be able to trust you again. Or forgive you for this. Everything I’ve read has said that it’s best to tell children that they are adopted. I know you both were told the same. Moreover you are both educated. You have no excuse. And yet, you both ignored it. And now, like an explosion, the truth is out there. And instead of just letting everything out, you kept trying to contain it. And, well, now you get to deal with the fallout.
I will be getting therapy in order to know how best to deal with this, and I highly suggest you do the same.
I want you to know that I still do want my children to have “grandparents”. But it has to be on my terms from here on. There will be rules that I want you to follow. You may not like them, but if you wish to rebuild this relationship, you’re going to have to.
One of the things he said was that he didn't care about feelings and emotions. He just treats people as humans.
Our a-mother sat there and listened. She constantly said all the blame should be on her for not telling us. I'm sure it was the fear of not being able to see our kids that kept her composure.
She said she was willing to help find my biological parents, even though she couldn’t remember anything since it was 34 - 35 years ago. She would go back to India and find out as much as she could. However, she stands by her decision of not telling us, and wouldn't have it any other way.
A-father did not like "the approach" at all. He came in with the expectation of seeing the kids and have a happy reunion. So for the day to start how I planned it, he felt it was a personal attack on him.
At one point in the middle of my speech, he said in his view this relationship is over; that he didn’t have to “deal with this shit”. A-mother had to diffuse and tell him that it’s not about him, and to not let his head say anything his heart would later regret.
In the moment, it took a lot of restraint for me to just say, "Well, you know where the door is."
The whole thing lasted about two and a half hours. And right as a-father began to open up and share his side of the story, a-mother said her chest was hurting and that she needed to leave right there and then and go lie down. I feel she did this only to stop him from saying anything else that would have contradicted her story. Or just to stop him from just telling us something that she doesn't want us to hear.
To this day, I believe I did what I had to do. Just get it all out respectfully. The thing is, the truth was already out. We knew about the adoptions. Why not then just let everything out? Why still hold back? If you're afraid of the outcome, and you know that it would not go in your favor, then maybe, just maybe, did you stop to think that you didn't make the right choice?
I know that when I gave them 2 choices (listen and be receptive, or still show toxic behaviors that I won't tolerate anymore), I’m pretty sure that tickled a-father the wrong way. But the thing is, that was mainly directed towards a-mother. All the “rules” I needed to put in place were all really meant for her. And I told him this. But he just does not process emotions. I don’t think he “gets it” when I said my identity is broken. My psyche is messed up. To him, it did not matter.
I know he said that he wanted to tell us. And he was going to. But a-mother threatened to divorce him if he ever said anything to us. In his mind, he wanted to tell us as we got older. But when? There I was, 34, happily married, living my own life and raising a family. What the hell was he waiting for?
And the aggravating part is, he's told all of his friends we were adopted.
In fact, they told us that their families all knew. Their parents knew, and their siblings. I’m certain selective close friends knew as well.
If it was okay for all of them to know, why not me? The very person that this affects?
So the fact is, I wanted my answers. And I wanted them on my terms. I needed to let them know how I’ve been feeling. And even though a-mother was the receptive one, I still have my reservations, because I know she'll continue to just say what needs to be said in the moment.
At any rate, they left and went back to their hotel that day. A-mother called late that evening. Said she was sorry. Sorry that she caused a web of deceit. That it was her fault and a mess that she created. She said she would go to back to India along with a-father to search for our biological parents, or obtain any information she can regarding them. She wanted to come see the kids the next day and asked that I give her a chance. I told her this was the whole reason for this “meeting”. I just needed them to know how I felt. That to me, this is a lie about my background, and needs to end. So for now, yes they could come over.
My younger sister called shortly after. She said that once they got back to the hotel, a-father told them that he "fucked up" when he stated that in his opinion the relationship was over and he didn't need this shit. She told him that yes he did. She spoke to both of them individually, and then together. To help them see what I was trying to say.
They came the next day (Sunday) to see the kids before they left. My feelings then were that if a-father can come out here again, and apologize for his behavior yesterday, I’d say it’s a start. I didn't expect him to apologize for not telling us, after all, that was a-mother’s fault. If she wants to take all the blame for it, so be it.
Call it what you want, but that weekend, someone on a Facebook group posted the following quote. And it couldn't have come at a better time:
“Sometimes it’s better to just let things be, let people go, don’t fight for explanations, don’t chase answers, and don’t expect people to understand where you’re coming from.”
That pretty much sums up how I felt about this whole situation with a-parents after their visit.
For a-father, it was his reaction and unwillingness to understand my feelings. Or any feelings for that matter.
For a-mother, it is disappointing that even after all this pain, she still would rather the truth not be known. So, in a way, I’m damn glad I took that DNA test. It would have been the only way this came out.
I just don’t understand, and I guess I never will, how is it they can’t see that this lie has caused a great amount of pain. They expect gratitude, well that's fine and dandy. But that just goes to show that their love is conditional. And I have said it plenty of times, that I am grateful they raised us and gave us a good life. I am not grateful they lied and deceived us about our origins. And if they can’t/won’t understand that, well, I can’t help them, and that will always cause a rift between us.
I’m not all that accepting of the apology a-mother gave me regarding the pain she caused by this deception. The only reason for this apology, I feel, is because I found out. One of those, "Sorry I got caught, not sorry I did it" moments.
So the fact is, I wanted my answers. And I wanted them on my terms. I needed to let them know how I’ve been feeling. And even though a-mother was the receptive one, I still have my reservations, because I know she'll continue to just say what needs to be said in the moment.
At any rate, they left and went back to their hotel that day. A-mother called late that evening. Said she was sorry. Sorry that she caused a web of deceit. That it was her fault and a mess that she created. She said she would go to back to India along with a-father to search for our biological parents, or obtain any information she can regarding them. She wanted to come see the kids the next day and asked that I give her a chance. I told her this was the whole reason for this “meeting”. I just needed them to know how I felt. That to me, this is a lie about my background, and needs to end. So for now, yes they could come over.
My younger sister called shortly after. She said that once they got back to the hotel, a-father told them that he "fucked up" when he stated that in his opinion the relationship was over and he didn't need this shit. She told him that yes he did. She spoke to both of them individually, and then together. To help them see what I was trying to say.
They came the next day (Sunday) to see the kids before they left. My feelings then were that if a-father can come out here again, and apologize for his behavior yesterday, I’d say it’s a start. I didn't expect him to apologize for not telling us, after all, that was a-mother’s fault. If she wants to take all the blame for it, so be it.
Call it what you want, but that weekend, someone on a Facebook group posted the following quote. And it couldn't have come at a better time:
That pretty much sums up how I felt about this whole situation with a-parents after their visit.
For a-father, it was his reaction and unwillingness to understand my feelings. Or any feelings for that matter.
For a-mother, it is disappointing that even after all this pain, she still would rather the truth not be known. So, in a way, I’m damn glad I took that DNA test. It would have been the only way this came out.
I just don’t understand, and I guess I never will, how is it they can’t see that this lie has caused a great amount of pain. They expect gratitude, well that's fine and dandy. But that just goes to show that their love is conditional. And I have said it plenty of times, that I am grateful they raised us and gave us a good life. I am not grateful they lied and deceived us about our origins. And if they can’t/won’t understand that, well, I can’t help them, and that will always cause a rift between us.
I’m not all that accepting of the apology a-mother gave me regarding the pain she caused by this deception. The only reason for this apology, I feel, is because I found out. One of those, "Sorry I got caught, not sorry I did it" moments.
