What's in a name
I hate my name. Just going to jump right into it.
For years I've had to explain to people how I got my name. My name is S* Krishna Rao. And to keep it simple, for the longest time, I've gone by Kris.
Because S is my first name, people always ask where the Kris comes from. I tell them it comes from my middle name. However, my first name is actually the family name.
They usually ask how do I pronounce my first name. As it is a long Indian name, with 12 characters.
I always tell people it's just as it reads. Simple really. And then I'd explain it's origin. How it really is the family name. How my a-father took what was his family name and placed it in front of his given/first name. This is typical of the region he belongs to in India.
This did however make it his first name when he filled out documentation when he moved to the States.
And thus, Rao became the last name that a-mother took as it was a simple and easy last name.
When I was adopted, my a-mother decided to follow the same format and keep the family name, S, in front of my given name. Thus making it the first name as my a-father has. She then gave me the name of Krishna, which fell in as the middle name.
I did the same thing for my son when he was born. Funny enough, when I spoke to a-father about it and it's placement, I asked him if I could keep the S as my son's middle name. Just as a way to take away the confusion of us all having the same name. It does get confusing when every mail that comes in, or any other form of documentation shows the same S Rao.
For what it's worth, he did not care what I did with it. My a-mother however was adamant that I keep the family tradition going.
However you may take that, I find it somewhat intriguing that a-father did not care. I wonder if it's because I'm adopted, or if he really did not care. I find it even more curious that my a-mother was more concerned about the placement, and think if it was more to keep the narrative that I belong to them going.
Questions I don't think will be answered anytime soon.
Anywho... With all this deception, I just don't feel like it is my name. I am not member of the S family. Only by adoption. An adoption that was hidden from me.
I recently had an eye checkup, and one of the assistants asked about my first name and how to pronounce it. And as I started to regurgitate this story I've told countless times, it slowly started to feel unnatural. Here I was explaining a name that wasn't mine. Sigh...
I found this interesting article titled "What's in a Name?" It comprises of responses from other intercountry adoptees and their thoughts on whether or not adoptees should keep their original names.
One of the responses really struck a cord with me:
Even if it's an orphanage name. As sad as the thought might be that my birth mother who relinquished me may not have even given me a name, that name that was given to me by whatever orphanage/hospital I came from is still very much a part of me and my story. It is a part of where I come from. When you change a name of someone, you change it's identity. That name, whatever it may have been, it tied me to the place I am from.
That name could help me trace back my roots. And my a-parents took away that opportunity.
I hope that I'll be able to figure out my name by myself. Whether it's through my original adoption paperwork, or my immigration paperwork.
Until then, I'll just keep using what isn't mine.
*I'm choosing to not disclose what the S stands for. It's long. Not mine. And I don't think it would be fair to the other members of my adoptive family for me to write it down here.
For years I've had to explain to people how I got my name. My name is S* Krishna Rao. And to keep it simple, for the longest time, I've gone by Kris.
Because S is my first name, people always ask where the Kris comes from. I tell them it comes from my middle name. However, my first name is actually the family name.
They usually ask how do I pronounce my first name. As it is a long Indian name, with 12 characters.
I always tell people it's just as it reads. Simple really. And then I'd explain it's origin. How it really is the family name. How my a-father took what was his family name and placed it in front of his given/first name. This is typical of the region he belongs to in India.
This did however make it his first name when he filled out documentation when he moved to the States.
And thus, Rao became the last name that a-mother took as it was a simple and easy last name.
When I was adopted, my a-mother decided to follow the same format and keep the family name, S, in front of my given name. Thus making it the first name as my a-father has. She then gave me the name of Krishna, which fell in as the middle name.
I did the same thing for my son when he was born. Funny enough, when I spoke to a-father about it and it's placement, I asked him if I could keep the S as my son's middle name. Just as a way to take away the confusion of us all having the same name. It does get confusing when every mail that comes in, or any other form of documentation shows the same S Rao.
For what it's worth, he did not care what I did with it. My a-mother however was adamant that I keep the family tradition going.
However you may take that, I find it somewhat intriguing that a-father did not care. I wonder if it's because I'm adopted, or if he really did not care. I find it even more curious that my a-mother was more concerned about the placement, and think if it was more to keep the narrative that I belong to them going.
Questions I don't think will be answered anytime soon.
Anywho... With all this deception, I just don't feel like it is my name. I am not member of the S family. Only by adoption. An adoption that was hidden from me.
I recently had an eye checkup, and one of the assistants asked about my first name and how to pronounce it. And as I started to regurgitate this story I've told countless times, it slowly started to feel unnatural. Here I was explaining a name that wasn't mine. Sigh...
I found this interesting article titled "What's in a Name?" It comprises of responses from other intercountry adoptees and their thoughts on whether or not adoptees should keep their original names.
One of the responses really struck a cord with me:
"We lost enough. We are people before we enter their families, regardless of whether they like our names or not, it is ours. Even if it is “just” an orphanage name."
Even if it's an orphanage name. As sad as the thought might be that my birth mother who relinquished me may not have even given me a name, that name that was given to me by whatever orphanage/hospital I came from is still very much a part of me and my story. It is a part of where I come from. When you change a name of someone, you change it's identity. That name, whatever it may have been, it tied me to the place I am from.
That name could help me trace back my roots. And my a-parents took away that opportunity.
I hope that I'll be able to figure out my name by myself. Whether it's through my original adoption paperwork, or my immigration paperwork.
Until then, I'll just keep using what isn't mine.
*I'm choosing to not disclose what the S stands for. It's long. Not mine. And I don't think it would be fair to the other members of my adoptive family for me to write it down here.
