The Destination
I have never really been good at describing my feelings. It takes me a while to find the words to describe or explain my thoughts. What I think I'm good at, is making analogies to break things down and explain them.
One of the things people have been telling me since learning about my adoption is that I should be grateful for where I'm at now. The thing is, I am already aware of this. I got to where I'm at because of choices I made after I left "home". When I talk about my thoughts and express how I feel about my adoption, I am in no way dismissing my present. But it is imperative to acknowledge that my past had affected me. This is something that I will not only carry for the rest of my life but I will have to deal with from this point onward.
At any rate, here is one of the analogies I've been sharing with most people around me in an attempt to explain not just how I feel about being in a hidden adoption, but also where I'm at now.
Imagine for a moment that you wake up and you're on a plane.
You have absolutely no recollection of where you boarded or how you got here.
You have no idea where you're going, but, at some point in the flight the pilot announces that the plane is heading to California. And everybody else on board knows that this is where the plane is heading. And they're all smiling and laughing and just having a good time. And even though they all tell you how great it's going to be when the plane lands, and that this is where you belong, something just seems odd.
For starters, everybody around you knows when and from where they boarded the plane. Except you don't. In fact the last thing you remembered when you woke up is that the pilot announced that the plane departed from a different country. You can only assume that that is from where you got on.
But as you look out the window, you know this plane is not going to California. There's something off about this flight and you can't quite put your finger on it.
Eventually you just sit back and attempt to enjoy yourself. The in-flight entertainment is okay. Has its quirks and occasionally stops working, but whatever. The food is just meh. Doesn't sit very well here and there. And every now and again, there's horrendous turbulence.
For some reason, this lousy flight is just taking forever. It feels like an episode of Black Mirror. Something is not right about this flight. And while everybody else seems to be having a good time, like this is the best flight ever, they just don't have the same problems that you do with the in-flight entertainment, or the food. And never once do they observe the effects of the turbulence that you definitely feel.
As this endless and unusual flight goes on, you just know that you have to get off this flight. It's time you take control and go where you want to go. Be in control of your destination, because the more you look out that window, you just know, this plane is not going to where you'll be happy.
So you grab a parachute, and in spite of everything the pilot, co-pilot, and everyone else on board has to say, you choose to jump.
And finally, you're free. From here on out, you get to make your own decisions.
This was basically me when I finally left home. I started to make my own choices. I found a girl. I moved to another state. I got married. I got amazing in-laws. I bought a house. I had two amazing children. And so many other great things in my life now. I made my own destination. But I had to make that jump. And the thing is, it's an odd feeling taking that leap, and then finding out that everything you learned about yourself on that flight was all a lie. While I'm grateful the plane stayed in the air and provided for me, I'm not grateful that I was put on it without any information regarding my past.
There's this quote, "It's not the destination, it's the journey" by Ralph Waldo Emerson. Looking back at this quote now while knowing that I'm adopted, I feel the quote actually fits better the other way around. Because while my current destination is amazing, my initial journey sucked. It sucked for the simple fact that I did not belong on that flight. I was out of place, and I never had the opportunity to truly know where I was when I got on that plane.
But, I am certainly happy with where I'm at now.
Anyways, I do want to add this here as well:
Adoptees like myself have rights. Just like every non-adopted person. Every human being has the right to know their medical history, their personal history (including biological parentage), and more.
These are things a non-adopted person (or someone in an open adoption) never has to think twice about.
From https://consideringadoption.com:
"Ninety percent of adoptions today are open so that adoptees and birth family can continue to have a relationship, which means that these adoptees and birth parents will never have unanswered questions about their adoption. But many older adoptees still struggle with the lack of information caused by a closed adoption and slow legislative progress toward adoptee rights. There is still plenty of work to be done to improve adopted children’s rights and your rights as an adoptee."
The same goes for late discovery adoptees (LDA). Not only do we have to deal with this lack of information, but also the deceit surrounding the upbringing of who we are. The day you find out that you're actually adopted is an experience I hope nobody has to face. It's surreal, shattering, upsetting, heart breaking, and just all around, disorienting.
The only other thing I can compare how topsy turvy my life is now, is to the movie, The Truman Show. Here's a synopsis I found online, "He doesn't know it, but everything in Truman Burbank's (Jim Carrey) life is part of a massive TV set. Executive producer Christof (Ed Harris) orchestrates "The Truman Show," a live broadcast of Truman's every move captured by hidden cameras... As Truman gradually discovers the truth, however, he must decide whether to act on it."
In my case, just like Truman, I decided to break free and let the truth out.
I don't really have a good way to end this blog post. It's just my thoughts for the moment. And I'll probably have a few more like this one where I really just need to share my thoughts. I do however still have one more analogy I'd like to share. I just need to type it down in a way that it makes sense.
One of the things people have been telling me since learning about my adoption is that I should be grateful for where I'm at now. The thing is, I am already aware of this. I got to where I'm at because of choices I made after I left "home". When I talk about my thoughts and express how I feel about my adoption, I am in no way dismissing my present. But it is imperative to acknowledge that my past had affected me. This is something that I will not only carry for the rest of my life but I will have to deal with from this point onward.
At any rate, here is one of the analogies I've been sharing with most people around me in an attempt to explain not just how I feel about being in a hidden adoption, but also where I'm at now.
Imagine for a moment that you wake up and you're on a plane.
You have absolutely no recollection of where you boarded or how you got here.
You have no idea where you're going, but, at some point in the flight the pilot announces that the plane is heading to California. And everybody else on board knows that this is where the plane is heading. And they're all smiling and laughing and just having a good time. And even though they all tell you how great it's going to be when the plane lands, and that this is where you belong, something just seems odd.
For starters, everybody around you knows when and from where they boarded the plane. Except you don't. In fact the last thing you remembered when you woke up is that the pilot announced that the plane departed from a different country. You can only assume that that is from where you got on.
But as you look out the window, you know this plane is not going to California. There's something off about this flight and you can't quite put your finger on it.
Eventually you just sit back and attempt to enjoy yourself. The in-flight entertainment is okay. Has its quirks and occasionally stops working, but whatever. The food is just meh. Doesn't sit very well here and there. And every now and again, there's horrendous turbulence.
For some reason, this lousy flight is just taking forever. It feels like an episode of Black Mirror. Something is not right about this flight. And while everybody else seems to be having a good time, like this is the best flight ever, they just don't have the same problems that you do with the in-flight entertainment, or the food. And never once do they observe the effects of the turbulence that you definitely feel.
As this endless and unusual flight goes on, you just know that you have to get off this flight. It's time you take control and go where you want to go. Be in control of your destination, because the more you look out that window, you just know, this plane is not going to where you'll be happy.
So you grab a parachute, and in spite of everything the pilot, co-pilot, and everyone else on board has to say, you choose to jump.
And finally, you're free. From here on out, you get to make your own decisions.
This was basically me when I finally left home. I started to make my own choices. I found a girl. I moved to another state. I got married. I got amazing in-laws. I bought a house. I had two amazing children. And so many other great things in my life now. I made my own destination. But I had to make that jump. And the thing is, it's an odd feeling taking that leap, and then finding out that everything you learned about yourself on that flight was all a lie. While I'm grateful the plane stayed in the air and provided for me, I'm not grateful that I was put on it without any information regarding my past.
There's this quote, "It's not the destination, it's the journey" by Ralph Waldo Emerson. Looking back at this quote now while knowing that I'm adopted, I feel the quote actually fits better the other way around. Because while my current destination is amazing, my initial journey sucked. It sucked for the simple fact that I did not belong on that flight. I was out of place, and I never had the opportunity to truly know where I was when I got on that plane.
But, I am certainly happy with where I'm at now.
Anyways, I do want to add this here as well:
Adoptees like myself have rights. Just like every non-adopted person. Every human being has the right to know their medical history, their personal history (including biological parentage), and more.
These are things a non-adopted person (or someone in an open adoption) never has to think twice about.
From https://consideringadoption.com:
"Ninety percent of adoptions today are open so that adoptees and birth family can continue to have a relationship, which means that these adoptees and birth parents will never have unanswered questions about their adoption. But many older adoptees still struggle with the lack of information caused by a closed adoption and slow legislative progress toward adoptee rights. There is still plenty of work to be done to improve adopted children’s rights and your rights as an adoptee."
The same goes for late discovery adoptees (LDA). Not only do we have to deal with this lack of information, but also the deceit surrounding the upbringing of who we are. The day you find out that you're actually adopted is an experience I hope nobody has to face. It's surreal, shattering, upsetting, heart breaking, and just all around, disorienting.
The only other thing I can compare how topsy turvy my life is now, is to the movie, The Truman Show. Here's a synopsis I found online, "He doesn't know it, but everything in Truman Burbank's (Jim Carrey) life is part of a massive TV set. Executive producer Christof (Ed Harris) orchestrates "The Truman Show," a live broadcast of Truman's every move captured by hidden cameras... As Truman gradually discovers the truth, however, he must decide whether to act on it."
In my case, just like Truman, I decided to break free and let the truth out.
I don't really have a good way to end this blog post. It's just my thoughts for the moment. And I'll probably have a few more like this one where I really just need to share my thoughts. I do however still have one more analogy I'd like to share. I just need to type it down in a way that it makes sense.
